you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
