I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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