i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
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