Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
