i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
