My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
