i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize