Can i not drive my cunt home
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
