She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You've changed since you got that strap on
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
