The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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