Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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