You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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