i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
