Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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