Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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