Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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