There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
