the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
