I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
