Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
