I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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