I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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