My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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