im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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