I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
