i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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