thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
