I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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