The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
