Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
