I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
