I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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