I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
