I hope mine doesn't look like that
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
