Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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