Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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