my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
