you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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