apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
