UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
