I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
