Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
