Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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