I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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