Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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