haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
