I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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