Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
