I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
