Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Drunk is a universal language darling
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
